What I Miss.

                                      Five minutes to sea from Natalia Mirzoyan on Vimeo.

I miss the smell of a new city, any city - the traffic just a little different than what I pictured it to be, about how the streets are a tad bit more littered than what most of the people with a camera chose to show. They probably must have felt cheated to the extent that they chose to hide the complete truth and fooled us into following their path. 

I miss the sound of a nightclub at 2 in the morning, drunkenly making my way down the stairs while making friends out of strangers until the end of the street. For a fleeting moment, having the worries of never finding the right person to connect with, melt away into the darkness behind the increasingly blurry streetlights. 

Days are now shorter and I miss catching the final light of the day while sipping my evening cup of chai down at the office cafeteria. I hope people who couldn't wait to come home from work to dive into their social media are happy now that they are never going to see their office desk from a considerable amount of time to come. They aren't, but let's just say they are.

I am digressing again. 

The one thing that connects the feeling of me getting lost in a city unknown with a nightclub full of strangers is the lie that finally doesn't have its grip on me, albeit momentarily. The lie that I am fine, that this is alright. It wasn't alright then. I burned through the wallet running after the fleeting emotion of being included in a plan, or being told that I am a good friend, a bro that they never had, that they are happy that I am there with them. I should have known those were just lies, they were just liars. 

Now, so many months later, the lies have seem to have lost the plot. I don't miss most of the people I hung out with few years back. I finally know my place in the world and what are things I have to do. For a historically lazy guy with a "chalta hai" attitude, I think that's a big change during these months of being starved off the evening sky.

Eternally grateful of having the right people now, people who I can fall back on, when I need them. So, yes - what I truly miss is my old self, the one who unabashedly made mistakes and learned to live through them, with them. I know that self is gone and I will miss making mistakes. 

I think I am ready for the next stage of my life. While a few decades down the line, I'll most certainly look back at these past few years and enjoy the colors it brought into my canvas, and for a fleeting moment, time would slow down like the watch on a beach on a sunny wintry day. I'd drown myself in the waves and soon would have nothing else but silence for company, once again, for one last time.


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