Battling Loneliness

The nightclub is teeming with Friday night revellers. Folks who have come back from the smoking room are reeking of tobacco and marijuana and I am here with a 12 year old whiskey and the laser lights for company. I have this smile on my face and am swaying gently at the 2 year old house tracks that the DJ has just discovered on the interwebs. The elbow rests back on the bar counter and high chair I am sitting on can barely contain the wait of my body. The loud music is obviously drowning any thought that takes an aim at me and I suddenly have this revelation that may be folks who are here, are here because they are trying to drown the noise in the head with the noise around. The ice is giving up on my drink, I take a sip and wait for the party to join back.

Like a lot of children following a Pied Piper who isn't there, the group joins back, continuing with the conversation they were having in the smoking room. Couple of them still wait for their partners but the group still chooses to be one - a group, to try and enjoy the moment. I shift my weight to the center and draw my whiskey to my lap, answering once again why didn't I join, even though I didn't smoke? While I gave them some logic on how I don't like the smell, I realize what I should have answered is that I actually wanted to spend sometime by myself. I really wanted to take myself out tonight, this group just happened to call me in at the same time. I realize that the society doesn't have a place for those who speak off their tongue so I smile and wave. That always works, right?

I was Alone
3 years and being absolutely reckless about my life, I realized that I was alone - I didn't have a group of friends to fall back on. I had a lot of friends, but friends who'd only remember me when they were about to hit the clubs. I had colleagues, but they were busy figuring out a life of their own and somehow, the ones who hugged me and cried when they were drunk, telling me that I was a good friend, and conveniently forgetting about me when they were sober, really hurt - this was new. I was actually hurting. Here I was, posting stories of my night outs, and yet I was hurting. I was alone.

The Reconciliation

On the following Saturday morning, I woke up really early. Before even the crowd of maids, who showed up in front of my house to talk for quick 5 mins before going to their respective flats to beging their day. I wasn't carrying any work that needed to be done over the week, I didn't have anyone to meet that Saturday. The entire day was to be spent in my 1BHK, overlooking the somewhat busy street of my home, with nothing else but tea and myself for company. I sat down on the chair and went deep into my past, thinking about all the things that constantly chip away at the back of my head.

From the ignored phone call the week before from an old friend, the birthday I wasn't invited to the month ago, that trip that never happened with a certain someone or perhaps that thing that my step mom said about me, the guy that I will become - someone whom she'll laugh at, and the guy that I eventually became, someone who she is proud of. I let those thoughts come one-by-one, letting the emotions overpower me to the point where I was incredibly sad and unapologetically hurting. Why was I putting myself through this? Probably, because I wanted this pain to be the last, these memories to cease to matter to me after today.

The Journey

I really had to find a way out of this pain. So I chose to make friends with the evil and decided to make the most of it - Find time for myself, with others around. To really make the most of my time, the company was optional, it wasn't important, as long as I was happy at the end of it - and I would be. I went to trips with strangers I met with online, made love under a starry night, befriended absolute strangers for a night and didn't stay in touch with them either.

The year was about to end and I was done apologizing to everyone. As the year would end, so would the apologies. I was going to turn over a new leaf, I was going to bid every single person in my past or involved in my past, in my past. 

This is a Part 1 of the Journey. I'd like you to follow the next part of this journey with me. Please subscribe to my Twitter. Header photo credit


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