The Unbridled Pain

You think you'll die of it - the sheer pain that's gripping every single part of your body. The hurt that this other person who seemingly entered your life like a knife through a warm butter had finally followed through with the blow. You were now increasingly splitting in half. Every single person around you was unable to fathom the sheer unadulterated pain that had captured the very existence of you.

You are not you anymore. It's pain. It's just the pain. Your thoughts soon grip you, choke you and make you incapable of making any progress in your life. You are thinking about the how's and the why's and the what if's and it all leads you to a kind of numbness that has always greeted you at the end of a party with your party-friends, friends who tell you that you are their "bro", only to forget about you when they are happy. But you don't care. You'll move on. You will survive.

The Taj Mahal, Agra
The dimly lit room of a hotel in a city you've called home for a few days has you asking questions - tough questions. Questions that begin and end with another, one after the other till you are nothing else but just a mass of regret in between the ticking of clocks as the night ebbs away. There are words that escape the imprisonment of your silence. But words that escape, they don't have any takers. They are abandoned, they are alone and they are cold. The feeling of desolation kicks in. But it's okay - you sigh, you will be fine.

The pain, like a fire-ant making its way through the layers of your skin, now seem to make your thoughts blur out. The anger, even though it's been with you for so long, realizes that today it's not its time. It bows out, making you feel happy, happy that you have the pain and the fleeting feeling of not being absolutely alone. The beaded drops of sweat on your forehead somehow cool you in this Summer night and you have nothing else but just the sound of crickets and of car horns blowing off at a distance. The city is asleep. You aren't.

Soon, there will dawn. The constant drumming of pain would stop, the hope of a better day, albeit somewhat highly unlikely, would slowly take you over and place you in slumber, for a few hours. You let out a sigh of relief knowing that you'd have taken a small step tonight, towards yourself, with a hard No. It'll raise a storm of texts, calls, mails and a lot of people around you are going to be hurt and will abandon you, but then you know you are not alone - atleast the feeling of abandonment will always be by your side. 

The cigarette butt never really finds the ashtray that night.


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